McBastards and Hedgehogs

Time for the news.

And boy, this is news folks. The big story this time around is one that my favorite source for republican bull kaka, FOX News, brought to my attention. Anyone who has known me for more then ten minutes most likely knows that I am a major supporter of the BHPS, or British Hedgehog Preservation Society. That's why this story was like sweet, sweet, spiky, music to my ears. Our friends over at McDonald's have finally done what sextillions of BHPS members such as myself and the guys who invented Sonic the Hedgehog have been begging them to do: Redesign the container of the McHedgehog-Trap-In-A-Box dessert, aka the McFlurry.

As every upstanding citizen knows, this "McFlurry" has been the Al Queda for hedgehogs all over the globe. These pointy little balls of pain find these containers (deviously set out by McBastard employees no doubt to form an army) and stick their heads in. "The opening," say members of the BHPS, "is large enough for the hedgehogs to stick their head inside, but not big enough to get out." Truly a horrible story.

So, after nearly 567 and three quarter years, McDonalds has finally decided to completely redesign the container of the McFlurries. The following quote from our friends over at FOX shows how hard McGood-Doers have been working to correct this dilemma:

McDonald's U.K. said that after "significant research and testing," it designed a McFlurry cup with a smaller opening.

THANK GOD. I know how much research and testing probably went into completing such a task, and I for one am thankful that those at McDonald's had enough time in their busy schedules to redesign the cups of the McFlurry.

That's all for today. Let us pray our hearts out that McDonalds does not have a significant amount of these timid little critters to form a deadly army that, working together with their giant baby army, will wreak havoc upon the world. Source

Stay sexilicious,
Robert S.

The Bandit Strikes Again!

Hey there Mr. Bush, know what time it is? Oh, you can't tell? Well, I'll just tell you then...

Time for the news.

And you read correctly, the mysterious flower bandit of Iowa has struck again! Our first story comes to us from the maroon city of Des Moines, Iowa, where a man by the name of Jason Jasnos, who happens to be a member of the Similar Last & First Names League (SLFNL), found a note in his yard. This note was found about two days after he saw two women steal flowers from his yard. (Those b****es!... what? All I said was birdies...) The note was written with pink marker on white paper, and was left with a pink-and-yellow flower. A crime that can only be described as extremely sick and Martha Stewartian. The note read:

Thank you for the flowers.
Many others will enjoy them.
-The Flower Bandit-

Of course what may be the most shocking item of this entire mystery is the fact that the self-titled "Flower Bandit" signed the note. Only idiots or super-villains sign their notes. And considering the ingenious color scheming involved in such an act, it is this reporter's opinion that the culprit could be only one type of fiend: a super-villain. And why not? Greenpeace and other liberal tree hugging companies have been portraying plants and flowers as heros for ages. (Saving the world at the speed of photosynthesis!) And of course, every hero has a villain. Superman has Lex Luthor, Spider-Man has the Green Goblin, Batman has the Joker, and George Bush has books. It's only common sense that flowers would have some sort of enemy... and that enemy is the mysterious and pink Flower Bandit!

This reporter will follow the mysterious case as it unfolds. Will the bandit be captured and brought to justice? Does it really matter anyway? As we have learned throughout the ages, every villain gets out of jail and reeks havoc again. And it is this reporter's opinion that the Flower Bandit is no different. Source

Stay erotic.
~Robert S.

Giant Babies, Camel Viagra, and Reflection

Time for the news.

You picked a great time to read the first post. Because today, I've got a helluva great post for you all. Let's cut straight to the chase. Today we'll be looking at some recent news from around the world, as well as talking a little about some old news.

First story today comes to us from the gorgeous and exciting country of Brazil, where the tropic wind is always blowing and people dance with fruit on their heads. Specifically, the city of Rio de Jeniero, home of 19-letter Elisa Maia dos Ribeiro, a 36 year-old woman who has given birth to a 14 pound baby girl, 13-letter Isabel Vitoria. That's a pretty big baby, but surprisingly, the 8-letter Guinness Book of World Records says she's far from the biggest baby ever born. The biggest in Brazil was a 16-pound, 7 ounce baby born in 2005. And as everyone knows, the biggest baby ever was 22 pounds, 8 ounces, born in Italy in 1955. Ironically, 1955 is also the same year that Ray Kroc started McDonald's Fast Food. This just goes to show, those bastards at McDonald's have been making giant babies since 1955. And I predict that by 2055, McDonald's will be the first chain of fast food joints to have an army of giant babies at their disposal. Don't believe me? Go to the future, and when you come back completely soaked in baby throw-up, poopy, and Big-Baby-McMac-Burgers (That's what they'll be called, believe me.) don't come crying to me. Source

In other news, a recent story has this reporter and many others asking, "Is Camel Milk the Viagra of the desert?" That's right, it's been recently reported that in the Indian state of Rajasthan, an 88-year-old man who apparently fathered a child several weeks ago (No, not a giant baby, you McBastards!) revealed that he believes the secret of his comic-book like sexual powers is Camel milk. Since then, sales of Camel Milk have reportedly gone way up. (That's not all that's gone way up!) Doctors are saying they doubt the milk has any effect on male virility, but it is this reporter's opinion that the doctors just don't want the public getting their hands on a cheaper alternative to viagra. (Take that Bob Dole!) Source

Finally, in reflection to old news, experts claimed that there was no reason to fear the sixth of June this year (6.6.06, aka the number of the beast). They were apparently wrong! For on the sixth of June this year, the horrific took place. The "Union of Islamic Courts" defeated the ruling warlords in the capital of Somalia, an impossible to pronounce city. Think the warlords were too happy about 6.6.06? I think not. No one cares about the warlords. They just care about giant babies and Camel Milk viagra substitutes. Prejudice bastards. Source

That's the news, and as always, stay sexy.

~Robert S.